How It Makes Me Feel
by HopelessOsaka
Summary: There are...other reasons Ryuichi doesn't like being called Sakuma–san, you know. As a child, he lived only in an apartment with his mama, who gave her Miracle Beam and spirit to Kumagoro. But then...there was otousan.


**Disclaimer:** (Herbal) Osaka-neechan does not own the Gravitation series.

**Author: **(Herbal) Osaka-neechan

**Characters: **Sakuma Ryuichi, Kumagoro, _Shindou Shuichi _

**Genre:** Slice of Life

**Summary: **There are...other reasons Ryuichi doesn't like being called Sakuma–san, you know. As a child, he lived only in an apartment with his mama, who gave her Miracle Beam and spirit to Kumagoro. But then...there was otousan.

**Point of view:** Ryuichi

**Perspective:** Third person limited

This is the first fic I ever wrote.

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**HOW IT MAKES ME FEEL**

Short

**Spirit in His Miracle Beam**

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There were other reasons besides 'making me feel old, na no da!' that Ryuichi didn't like being called "Sakuma-san" for.

Other _reason_, really. To put it quite simple, it was:

His otousan.

But he had a feeling people would get the wrong idea if he ever told about the man.

It wasn't..

It wasn't that otousan got drunk.

It wasn't that otousan beat Ryu.

It wasn't that otousan came home late at night.

…Well, maybe the last part _was_ true. But it wasn't like most would think it was, if Ryu ever told them.

But Ryu would never tell them. Maybe he would tell…to Tohma or Noriko...or maybe Shuichi…but not really anyone else.

Besides, Ryu didn't want to bother them when they had their own problems, anyway. And Ryuichi certainly didn't want to go into any of his past.

Sometimes, he thought Shuichi was right when he said that it didn't matter what happened it the past. Sometimes, he _and_ Kumagoro disagreed wholeheartedly.

It didn't matter. Yet…it did. No matter how much Ryu liked Shu-chan, and liked how he shone, he didn't quite think Shuichi would understand. Or he would at least act completely what Ryu dreaded. He didn't want…pity. He wanted someone to understand, understand he was happy now…

But he still didn't like what happened in his childhood.

Because otousan…back then, when Ryuichi was only around eight years old…otousan…

He was like Yuki, one would say, if he spoke to them about it…but Ryu didn't think that was right. Yuki was different.

Yuki had a heart. Otousan…

Otousan was barely there. Sometimes, Ryu wished he wasn't there at all, from the beginning. He wished otousan and mama had gotten divorced before he was born. Then maybe mama wouldn't have had to put up with so much pain and suffering of…him. Ryuichi.

Ryuichi remembered how otousan had affected his life in the first place. Otousan was slipping away from his family right around when he was eight. Mama started looking weary, had tight lips, and starting getting…lines upon her delicate features.

It was…around then, when otousan got married again too. He didn't talk to them much anymore, and he was distant…far worse of a "distant" than Eiri Yuki.

Yuki was a person, Ryuichi knew. Otousan really wasn't. He stopped supporting the family, and his mama worked hard to have a life. Ryu, he knew how it was like. So he didn't ask for much.

Some people called Ryu "childish."

Ryuichi didn't know what that was. But he supposed, how he looked and acted so innocent, probably because he grew up mostly alone with only his mama, who was usually there for comfort…made people think he was "childish."

And Kumagoro probably had something to do with it, too. But Ryuichi loved Kumagoro.

It wasn't just that Kumagoro turned into a human every time he left the room. It wasn't just that Kumagoro was always there for him.

Kumagoro had come from mama. He remembered exactly how his mama had told him that he had been a good boy all the time, that year. She had told him that she was making a surprise for him.

Ryuichi now remembered…how happy he was. Mama had finished Kuma just as his ninth birthday neared, too. How ecstatic he was!

Jumping around all day with the pocky she had bought him as well…

Kumagoro present from his mama, and she had worked so hard, between the jobs that she had all day that made her tired, and at night, he remembered hearing the sewing machine before he went to sleep…

Ryuichi never parted with Kumagoro after that. Kumagoro was truly special. Kumagoro…he had mama's spirit inside him too. A lot of times, this was the reason he told Kumagoro everything.

This was the reason Kumagoro had his Miracle Beam. Because he had to be just like his mama…they both made miracles happen…they both smiled so nice.

Still…mama died only a couple of years after. Ryuichi remembered crying, remembered reminiscing, remembered the doctors telling him all the pressure she went through.

Then he remembered having to go to his otousan's office. His mama had always told him if she someday died, it would be a shame if his father came to know the fact from someone else. Ryu always felt a bit cheerless when she said that she might die someday, even if it were true, but then she would joke and say: if otousan weren't already dead by the time she died.

Ryu would feel a bit better after that. But only a bit, because he knew mama would still be dead, and if otousan were dead before mama…he would have no parents. That would make him feel bad again.

But he would look at Kumagoro. Reminding himself that Kuma had mama's spirit—of Kumagoro's Miracle Beam.

And when mama died when he was twelve, he went up this real big building, in Sendai, where his otousan lived by the age Ryu was in then.

He recalled a silent, thinly carpeted corridor-hallway with a lot of doors and windows at the side. An expressionless man escorted him as he glanced around both curiously and nervously. They finally came to the end of the hallway, where two big doors led into a room.

Two big doors that led into his otousan's office.

He remembered it clearly. His otousan was signing some papers, sitting behind a big desk, looking superior and business-like. Ryu had more fun staring out the glass walls…if he had any fun with him that moment.

The expressionless man had walked towards his otousan, and his otousan had finally looked up, eyes narrowing. Then the expressionless man had whispered something into his ears. His otousan had a somewhat confused expression on his face, before he suddenly nodded curtly and sent the man away.

Ryuichi and his otousan were alone now…with Kumagoro, whom Ryu was biting the ears off pretty hard.

There wasn't much conversation. An unnerving silence and quiet talk, which was mostly Ryu telling his father that mama had died.

Otousan hadn't even responded…only looked at him with…hate? Disgust? Shame?

Kumagoro had told him later that he wished he hadn't come. Ryuichi agreed entirely with his pink bunny.

And at the end…when Ryuichi wanted to yell everything out to his father's face, how Ryu didn't understand why he left him and his mama, how he wanted to know why he wasn't there, why he wouldn't take care of him…he was dragged off by another expressionless man.

He never saw his father's face again. Oh, the man supported him after that, and he kept his hyper-happy-genki mask on him, with Kumagoro by his side, even if students barely talked to him…

But he really never saw his father's face again, until his death… But now, his otousan…if he even had the right to be his otousan…was a vague memory of the past.

Sometimes, sharing all this with Kumagoro didn't even help. The bunny understood him more than anyone else did, that was for sure. However, Kumagoro, from time to time, reminded him (well, he was reminded of), how even though mama's spirit was in the little bunny…mama would always be somewhere else.

Ryuichi smiled at the fact that mama was probably somewhere in what he and the rest of humanity called "Heaven," whatever and wherever that was. Probably.

Otousan…in the rare times he thought of him…Ryu was confused to where he was now. But he didn't want to think about that.

He didn't want to think about his otousan.

Kumagoro, with Ryuichi's mother's spirit tucked tightly inside his heart, had his Miracle Beams, and that was all Ryuichi needed.

After all—why should he care about otousan, a man he didn't know if he hated or not, even now, decades later, when he had so many people by him nowadays?

When Tohma and Noriko came to his life…when K…when Shuichi…

He always knew he lived for something, after all. Not like his otousan.

Kumagoro and his mama told him so.

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"Sakuma-san?"

Ryuichi blinked, snapping back into reality as Shuichi and his pretty mop of pink hair stared down at him with puzzled violet-shaded eyes.

It took him a couple seconds to realize that Shuichi had his hands on his knees, kneeling from a standing position, because _he_ was lying of a blue and white-checkered blanket.

Then, as he heard nearby chirping, and other "cheerful morning in the park" noises, he remembered where he was.

The picnic!! Of course!

Immediately, he put on a traditional Ryu-chan grin only he had.

"Naa, Shuichi!!" he stated cheekily. "I didn't doze off, did I? Because Kumagoro looks like he's asleep!"

Shuichi blinked, a bright smile gracing his face as he straightened his posture again.

"I don't know…but you two shouldn't stray far from us, Sakuma-san! Tatsuha was drooling over you…we have no idea where he gets the information, cause he always seems to find out. I bet it's Mika! Ha…anyway…Kumagoro looks like he's gonna wake up." Shuichi told the older man cheerfully, starting to turn back and walk toward the bunch of other people near by, who were all gathered by a tree.

When he didn't get a response, Shuichi turned his head back to find Ryuichi staring intently at Kumagoro, as if he were seeing something in the little bunny that he wasn't.

Then again…Ryuichi always saw something other people didn't. Especially in Kumagoro.

"Sakuma-san?"

As Shuichi's expression changed from cheerful to confused again, Ryuichi sat up, cuddled Kuma closer to him, before looking up at the younger man with another grin.

"Kumagoro's right!!" Ryuichi announced to the pink-haired youth. "Shu-chan shouldn't call me Sakuma-san! It makes me sound old…na no da!!"

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Right, mama?

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**THE END**

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